Does your workplace have a lift?
Our head office, which we share with many other people does. I choose not to use it, unless I'm carting tonnes of kit from floor to floor, in which case, I max out the weight capacity massively with copious amounts of Manikins, Projectors, and other training aids. Then I send it unmanned to it's destination, with me sprinting up, or down the stairs.
I choose not to use this relatively new lift, because it is possessed.
It literally needs an exorcism, and until I see several priests travelling inside, flicking Holy Water at the mirrored walls and ceiling, before assuring me that the demon who rides on top of it is gone, I shan't so much as let the doors close on me.
Why?
When we first moved into this office block, I was unaware to this elevators troubled behaviour. No one told me about it, and from the outside, it looked pretty normal. Two sliding doors, a button to summon it, and internally, there is nothing really to cause alarm.
I became quite fond of the lift to be honest. First thing in the morning, I'd press the button, and it would deliver me quite safely without so much as breaking a sweat on the stairs.
One day, I was arriving late for work after having several teeth played with by a butcher pretending to be a dentist. I could hardly speak due to the anaesthesia, and every time I breathed out, I dribbled down the front of my shirt. We've all been there.
Now the top floor to our building at the time was occupied by a Chinese language education company, and it wasn't uncommon to find several new students visiting the building for classes.
On this day, 4 such students were waiting for the lift, and when it arrived, we all piled in. They tittered and sniggered at me with my half cooked look, covered in my own saliva, my jaw area twice the size as it should have been. I don't speak Chinese, but, I kinda get what was being said, and I was the butt of the joke.
I had my back to the door, and it's incredible how small this lift becomes when you get close to the "Maximum Persons" level. In fact, we exceeded it by one. Me.
I squeezed my arm past the girl with a 'Hello Kitty' jumper on, and pressed my floor number, and resumed my position, back to the door, like some kind of guard dog being tempted with a juicy succulent bone, drool pouring from my mouth.
The lift started to move, and after a few feet, ground to a halt, emitting a loud "Bleep". then it moved again, then stopped, "Bleeping" once more. In fact, it did this several times with my back to the door.
One of the Chinese girls started crying, and it all got rather loud after that, with the two male students communicating in the upper decibel range.
The other student started pressing loads of buttons on the command control point, which seemed to make the elevator move down a foot, then 'bleep' continuously.
I decided I had enough, so clapped my hands to get their attention, pointing out the alarm button. Unable to speak properly, I decided to make my contribution by pressing, and holding the button until a phone type noise could be heard, in the hope that one of the other passengers would take over for the talking bit.
A voice on the other end answered with a "Hello, this is ****** lifts, How can I help you?"
I gestured to the other students to speak, and they did. One by One. In Chinese. Perhaps Mandarin. Is there a difference? Who knows.
The attendant, ever so patient, replied "I'm sorry, I don't speak Chinese. Does anyone speak English?" So, I rose to the challenge. Kneeling down next to where the comforting voice came from, and said, through my numb mouth:
"Left. Boke. Hulp. Nid. Foyer. Beegade. Naaw" Spitting a mixture of saliva and blood over the buttons.
The attendant said, with concern "Is one of you injured? We know where you are, and the Fire Service in on route to you now". I sat on the floor, huddled up to the wall, painfully aware of the mess I made.
Well, they must have upped the emergency category, because within several minutes the lift was on the move again, and the door opened at the bottom floor, where we were greeted by a Fire crew and paramedics with stretcher.
The students exited, pointing at me and speaking Chinese to the emergency crew, who promptly rushed in to render assistance.
I did say "Naa. Dentist. Mauf." Whilst pointing at my head. They seemed to get that I wasn't really on my last legs...
Anyways, a guy with a white helmet on looked at us 5, and the lift (Which really doesn't look like it could take 5), before turning round and saying "Who was stood by the door?". I raised my hand sheepishly.
It's at this point he explained, this lift was fitted with an Infra Red Beam by the door. If you block the beam, the lift stops. The Chinese girl in her panic had then pressed the lift 'Stop' button, which had prevented it from moving.
All we really needed to do was to select another floor, and the lift would have carried on.
I now no longer use dentists, or the elevator. The Chinese company moved out weeks later.
I cannot believe I was to blame, so therefore, the Lift is Possessed, and it wasn't me. Please don't tell anyone...
